Conflict- Awh shoot, its necessary?

We took a short quiz today in class to help define what our individual strategies are for handling conflict, well I wasn't surprised to find out my top two results...

1. Avoid It is unassertive and uncooperative. When avoiding, an individual does not address the conflict. Avoiding may take the form of side-stepping an issue or simply withdrawing from a threatening situation.

2. Compete It is assertive and uncooperative- a power-oriented mode. When competing, an individual pursues his or her own concerns at the other person's expense, using whatever power seems appropriate to win his or her position- the ability to argue, rank, economic sanctions, and so no. Competing may also mean standing up for rights, beliefs, or simply to try to win.

I had previously thought that these two conflict management styles were contradictory to each other as one is extremely unassertive, while the other is very assertive. However, our lecturer defined two types of conflict...person and issue. It is then that I realized I avoid conflict in relationships and friendships, but compete in conflict over issues.

I feel as though the weaknesses of these are very obvious, so I'd like to start by defending my natural conflict style by stating the strengths of these styles...
Avoidance- My life remains pretty free of drama. I always have good relations with people as I never confront them with any issues. I stay out of any conflict, even if it is my own. As a result, I have lots of friendships and no hard feelings with anyone.
Compete- I prefer to view this strategy as being a reflection of a driven personality. I am simply driven and ambitious so I can be aggressive about my opinions on issues. I often feel as though my way is best, thus speak my mind on issues. As a result, I get my way: projects get completed well, I win debates, and everyone, well mostly me, are happy. (Okay, so this is a selfish way of thinking. Please note that I am simply stating the benefits of being competitive)*.

So, I am not so naive that I don't recognize the weaknesses of these styles, nor am I avoiding it...
Avoidance- When a conflict is avoided, there can't be any resolution. Resolutions from conflict can allow for progress in a relationship, project, issue, etc. Also, by avoiding a conflict it can allow it to fester and cause others to be more emotional and frustrated.
Compete- The problem with competing is that others struggle to get their voices hear. Sometime (and only sometimes ;) others can have a better idea. Even if their idea isn't better, it is respectful to hear all perspectives on an issue or project in order for everyone to feel ownership in the project.

If you find that you also use the avoidance style of conflict management...
Are decisions on important issues made by default? Does it sometimes appear that people are "walking on eggshells"? Do people sometimes have trouble getting your input on issues?

For me, I avoid conflict with people, not issues. Thus, these questions don't apply to me. However, I do notice the effects of my conflict style.
For example, when my mom and I get in a disagreement...
Me- I walk out of the room. I go to my room and wait it out. I'll do homework, read, or go to bed. After a length of time I'll come back down and see my mom acting as if nothing happened.
Mom- She will stomp around the house filled with contention. She will allow the disagreement to fester within her and she'll get increasingly angrier.
The result: When I reappear acting as if nothing happened, she yells to release her growing frustration. She will not allow the issue to die until we have completely talked through the entire issue. So, I have to force myself to go with her conflict style and get over my own fear of conflict.

If you find that you also use the competing style of conflict management...
Are you surrounded with "yes" people? Are employees afraid to admit ignorance and uncertainties to you?
For me, I am competitive when it comes to issues. I am notorious for debating politics, standing up for my beliefs, and being a little stubborn.
For example, when I was in sixth grade I was already very definite in my political beliefs. At this time, Bush had just won his second reelection. I was sitting in science class the next morning explaining to all those around me why he was the better candidate and rightly won. I was also informing them of why the Iraq War was necessary to defend our nation at that time. My science teacher, standing at 6'2" with a big burly beard, leaned over me and yelled at me for my political beliefs. He chewed me out for my republican stance saying that I was simply regurgitating what my parents had told me. Well, he was my teacher so I couldn't say much more to him than that I believed I was right. Despite this intimidating encounter with my teacher, I was still defiant in my stance on the war and our president...and I politely let him know that :)

I have thoroughly explained to you my conflict management styles of avoidance and competition. So, now I have made a plan to help me deal with my natural reactions in conflict to make them productive.

My Conflict Management Plan for Competing:
My physiological response to conflict with an issue: That giant knot in my chest I am getting just thinking about it.
Natural thoughts when in a conflict: "Why don't they hear what I'm saying? They just don't get it. I'm right and my idea is better"

Steps I can take:

1. Deep breath
2. Listen to the other person's point of view, idea, etc..
4. Identify the strengths, weaknesses of their idea, plan, etc..
5. Then, vocalize my idea
6. Identify the strengths, weaknesses of my idea, plan, etc...
7. With the group make a collaborative decision, compromise, resolution

This is simply what I would do, but I leave you with this thought...
How do you manage conflict? How can you improve it?





*disclaimer: My personality and conflict strategy are not solely defined by a 20 question quiz, so don't think that this is how my personality is, please :)

Communication- Without it we'll have a quiet journey

Communication
We all do it. We all need it. We all can be successful at it.

"Developing excellent communication skills is absolutely essential to effective leadership. The leader must be able to share knowledge and ideas to transmit a sense of urgency and enthusiasm to others. If a leader can't get a message across clearly and motivate others to act on it, then having a message doesn't even matter." -Gilbert Amelio (President and CEO of National Semiconductor Corp.)


Considering that my last blog was about goals...here are the goals of a great communicator:

1. Build integrity and trust
Proverbs 19:1 "Better is the poor that walketh in his integrity, than he that is perverse in his lips, and is a fool"
In order to communicate effectively, especially as a leader persuading others, one needs to have the trust of their audience. Trust is gained through exemplifying integrity.
2. Involve others
This can be done many ways. When communicating, asking questions, active listening, and being attentive to the quieter will include others in the conversation. This is a straight forward principle that requires us to simply be more attentive to the individuals we lead.
3. Translate message to fit
As a communicator, your message needs to be appropriate for your audience. Simple. When speaking to a five year old you need to be different than when conversing with an adult. There are many considerations when translating a message to fit: age, gender, nationality, economic status, and where they live to name a few. By acknowledging your audience, you will be able to appropriately communicate your message.
4. Take initiative
Don't wait for opportunity to knock! In The 21 Indispensable Qualities of a Leader, John C. Maxwell recounts a story of one man who had initiative. Kemons Wilson was a father of five who was frustrated with the hotel industry in the U.S.. In the 1920s some hotels were nice family-oriented rooms, while others were simply a bed. As someone looking for a place to stay, you never knew what you were going to get, except that you'd be charged extra per child. As a father of five, this made him furious. So with his anger, he took the initiative and decided to create his own hotel chain, one with a name people could trust and know the quality. His wife laughed at his goal of four hundred hotels. However, by 1964 there were 500 Holiday Inns. One man with initiative took a bold step that day to reach his potential the next.
5. Analytical skills
Think before you speak. It is a saying that has been around forever as it still remains true. It is important to be prepared and analyze what you want to say before saying. As a result, you will have a more cohesive and persuasive thought. When dealing with a conflict, specifically, it is important to not walk around the problem, but to analyze it and discuss it. This is why analytical skills are so important as a good communicator.
6. Innovation
I will never forget how our guest speaker Brittanie demonstrated innovation. She asked a student in the class to come to the front. After placing his finger on the table, she asked him to smash a can of beans down on his finger. Naturally, he refused to inflict harm on himself thinking he had outsmarted the speaker. However, she clearly demonstrated after that it was possible to do what she had asked without harming yourself. She smashed the can down on her finger, denting the can, without hurting her finger. Why it is that it didn't injure her? That I do not know. However, her demonstration was memorable. An innovative idea should also be memorable.
7. Positive Optimism
Whenever I think of optimism I think of my dear friend Consuelo. Although she's my mom's friend who has known me since birth, I feel as though she is mine too. After hearing of the health difficulties she has had, one would envision a woman still lying in bed, depressed, and incapable of functioning much. However, Consuelo, is quite the opposite. When she found out she had breast cancer the second time, she simply approached with the attitude of 'Here we go again; I can do this'. She continues to be optimistic about her own situation, as well as with those around her. Each time we chat she shares a new quote, saying, or scripture to brighten my day. It is admired to be an optimistic person, but it is even more impressive to be optimistic with all those around you when dealing with what she has.

On the flip side of communicating, is the ability to Listen:
There are several types of listening, some affective and others not: ignoring, pretending, selective, attentive, and empathetic.
When at a gala once, President Roosevelt grew tired of the stiff pleasantries he continued to hear in response to his greeting everyone. So, he began greeting people with the phrase, "I murdered my grandmother this morning". He continued to receive stiff pleasantries in response because everyone was so nervous to meet him they weren't even listening. However, one diplomat responded, "I'm sure she had it coming". Be the one to listen!

One way to listen is to be empathetic, so I leave you with this thought....
Do unto others what they would've done unto themselves

"Can you spell vision? Its the S-I-O-N that tricks them all."

What is vision? Well its a fancy word for a dream.
My dreams in life would be to get married and have a family, be an example of Christ, serve and love others, live a life that will allow me to live with my family forever.
Thus, my vision is...To life a life that'll inspire my family and those I serve and love to follow Christ that I may be able to spend the next life with him and them.

In Proverbs 29:18 it reads, "Where there is no vision, the people perish..." Well shoot. How do we get it you ask?
John C. Maxwell advises the following steps:
1. Do a gut check. Ask yourself questions like; What excites me? What makes me cry? What makes me dream? What gives me hope? What change would I like to see in the world? & in myself?
2. Then write it down. Formulate your answers from the previous questions into an elequente statment, paragraph, or essay.
3. Measure yourself. Read over that vision to remind yourself. Ask yourself, 'What am I doing now to further my vision?'. Then ask others close to you what they think is your vision. Naturally, if they can tell you what the key elements of your vision are then you are living your vision.

Once you've created a vision the next question becomes, How do I achieve it?
Well allow me to introduce you to the road map to acheiving your vision: GOALS! Now we all make goals all the time, often times leaving them unachieved, unrecognized, or even unestablished. However, goals allow us to create steps to acheiving our vision and are proof of the progress we are making. So make goals for yourself that are smaller than your over-arching vision in life. Mine are as follows:
1. Get married in the temple
2. Raise a family in the gospel (& make family prayer a daily activity)
3. Do my own regular scripture study and prayer
4. Magnify my calling that I may be able to love and serve those around me
Now that've I've shared them with the world, I will be held accountable for these goals...how're you going to keep yourself accountable?

To conclude, a few words from the former CEO of Pepsi and Apple computers John Sculley-
"The future belongs to those who see possibilities before the become obvious"

So what's your vision?

Service Project- BYU mint truffles!

Today in leadership class we did a 'service project' to practice what we learned about divine-centered, servant leadership. The assignment was to meet a new person in the cougar-eat and simply listen to them talk about themselves and their day. Then we gave them chocolates, one for them to enjoy and the second for them to pass on to someone else. The allowed us to start a chain reaction of people getting to know others and showing simple kindness. When I walked in I saw a friend of a friend whom I hadn't seen since I arrived at BYU. So, I listened to his experiences at school thus far and handed him the chocolates. Once I explained the assignment, I watched as he found someone else to give both chocolates to. He passed the same challenge on to them without enjoying a chocolate for himself, in order to keep the chain reaction going. This was a neat experience to watch as others were excited by the challenge I had been given. Still excited by the challenge, but without anymore chocolates, I went and joined a random girl for lunch. I listened to her talk about her job in the catering business and learned a lot. It was interesting the valuable information she had to pass on to me, someone interested in doing event planning. I thoroughly enjoyed just listening to all that this interesting lady had to offer. It was an enjoyable experience and I could tell she appreciated having someone to talk to. This challenge has inspired me to find a way to incorporate this into my life more.

So I leave you with the same challenge, how can you brighten someones day today? Try listening...

Divine-Centered Leadership

In the time I have studied leadership, I've analysed leaders such as Martin Luther King Jr., Hitler, Oprah Winfrey, and even my own grandfather. However, I never learned such a clear distinction between these leaders as the reading 'Divine-Centered Leadership' taught me stating, "Perhaps the difference lies in what is at the center of the leader: What is his motive? What drives him to lead?". Leaders with a righteous motivation, one to help others, improve the world, or the simple love of people, are honored still today. These would be leaders such as the previously mentioned Martin Luther King Jr. These leaders along with myself can study leadership to learn how to motivate people, unite a group, communicate better, and create a shared vision. However, the true motivation of a leader is not something that can be learned. A leader must inherently be humble and desire the best for their people in order to be a truly great leader. Any other motivation, money, fame, power, will create imbalance for a leader and not provide a true motivation that is worthy to be followed.


The importance of righteous motivation is applicable to our lives in general. Motivating factors such as relationships, money, and school will always end up failing. People will disappoint, money may not always be a luxury, and you may fail a test. However, Christ will never fail as a motivating factor. If we are motivated to be like him we will always be joyous, successful, and blessed. Christ is also the best leadership example there is, thus striving to be like him will make us better leaders.


So, I leave you with this thought...What would the Lord have you do?

Who am I? Alexandra.

Dear World,

It seems that my first blog post should be to introduce myself.  Well, my name is Alexandra Christine Hild. I call Lake Sammamish my home. It is there that I am blessed to wake every morning to a beautiful lake to water ski on. Then at night, after watching the sun set from my bed room, the glow of the angel Moroni atop the Seattle temple is visible. I absolutely love being raised in Seattle with my four younger siblings by my loving parents. As a family we spend our summers boating on the lake and our winters snow skiing. We all enjoy skiiing double black diamond runs, including my 7 year old brother, but do so at various rates. So now you have it, a little bit about me and where I'm from...now to the good stuff, me as a leader.

I would define my leadership as task-oriented. This means that I often feel as though I know the best way to get the job done and simply need bodies to help me execute, thus I delegate duties. Although this leadership style may be appropriate in situations, it does have its limitations and areas of improvement. As a leader I could improve on listening to others. A specific way in which I could acheive this is to start a project by incorporating others ideas into a shared vision of the group. I could also improve my leadership by allowing others to lead more. For example, I could delegate various aspects of a project, but then allow them to lead in that area. My role would then be to support and help them as they work to completed their segements of the whole project. These are just a few examples of areas in which I can improve as a leader. So, stay tuned to read about what I have learned in leadership class and how I have improved my own leadership.

Agape Love,
Alexandra