1. Avoid It is unassertive and uncooperative. When avoiding, an individual does not address the conflict. Avoiding may take the form of side-stepping an issue or simply withdrawing from a threatening situation.
2. Compete It is assertive and uncooperative- a power-oriented mode. When competing, an individual pursues his or her own concerns at the other person's expense, using whatever power seems appropriate to win his or her position- the ability to argue, rank, economic sanctions, and so no. Competing may also mean standing up for rights, beliefs, or simply to try to win.
I had previously thought that these two conflict management styles were contradictory to each other as one is extremely unassertive, while the other is very assertive. However, our lecturer defined two types of conflict...person and issue. It is then that I realized I avoid conflict in relationships and friendships, but compete in conflict over issues.
I feel as though the weaknesses of these are very obvious, so I'd like to start by defending my natural conflict style by stating the strengths of these styles...
Avoidance- My life remains pretty free of drama. I always have good relations with people as I never confront them with any issues. I stay out of any conflict, even if it is my own. As a result, I have lots of friendships and no hard feelings with anyone.
Compete- I prefer to view this strategy as being a reflection of a driven personality. I am simply driven and ambitious so I can be aggressive about my opinions on issues. I often feel as though my way is best, thus speak my mind on issues. As a result, I get my way: projects get completed well, I win debates, and everyone, well mostly me, are happy. (Okay, so this is a selfish way of thinking. Please note that I am simply stating the benefits of being competitive)*.
So, I am not so naive that I don't recognize the weaknesses of these styles, nor am I avoiding it...
Avoidance- When a conflict is avoided, there can't be any resolution. Resolutions from conflict can allow for progress in a relationship, project, issue, etc. Also, by avoiding a conflict it can allow it to fester and cause others to be more emotional and frustrated.
Compete- The problem with competing is that others struggle to get their voices hear. Sometime (and only sometimes ;) others can have a better idea. Even if their idea isn't better, it is respectful to hear all perspectives on an issue or project in order for everyone to feel ownership in the project.
If you find that you also use the avoidance style of conflict management...
Are decisions on important issues made by default? Does it sometimes appear that people are "walking on eggshells"? Do people sometimes have trouble getting your input on issues?
For me, I avoid conflict with people, not issues. Thus, these questions don't apply to me. However, I do notice the effects of my conflict style.
For example, when my mom and I get in a disagreement...
Me- I walk out of the room. I go to my room and wait it out. I'll do homework, read, or go to bed. After a length of time I'll come back down and see my mom acting as if nothing happened.
Mom- She will stomp around the house filled with contention. She will allow the disagreement to fester within her and she'll get increasingly angrier.
The result: When I reappear acting as if nothing happened, she yells to release her growing frustration. She will not allow the issue to die until we have completely talked through the entire issue. So, I have to force myself to go with her conflict style and get over my own fear of conflict.
If you find that you also use the competing style of conflict management...
Are you surrounded with "yes" people? Are employees afraid to admit ignorance and uncertainties to you?
For me, I am competitive when it comes to issues. I am notorious for debating politics, standing up for my beliefs, and being a little stubborn.
For example, when I was in sixth grade I was already very definite in my political beliefs. At this time, Bush had just won his second reelection. I was sitting in science class the next morning explaining to all those around me why he was the better candidate and rightly won. I was also informing them of why the Iraq War was necessary to defend our nation at that time. My science teacher, standing at 6'2" with a big burly beard, leaned over me and yelled at me for my political beliefs. He chewed me out for my republican stance saying that I was simply regurgitating what my parents had told me. Well, he was my teacher so I couldn't say much more to him than that I believed I was right. Despite this intimidating encounter with my teacher, I was still defiant in my stance on the war and our president...and I politely let him know that :)
I have thoroughly explained to you my conflict management styles of avoidance and competition. So, now I have made a plan to help me deal with my natural reactions in conflict to make them productive.
My Conflict Management Plan for Competing:
My physiological response to conflict with an issue: That giant knot in my chest I am getting just thinking about it.
Natural thoughts when in a conflict: "Why don't they hear what I'm saying? They just don't get it. I'm right and my idea is better"
Steps I can take:
- Deep breath
- Listen to the other person's point of view, idea, etc..
- Identify the strengths, weaknesses of their idea, plan, etc..
- Then, vocalize my idea
- Identify the strengths, weaknesses of my idea, plan, etc...
- With the group make a collaborative decision, compromise, resolution
How do you manage conflict? How can you improve it?
*disclaimer: My personality and conflict strategy are not solely defined by a 20 question quiz, so don't think that this is how my personality is, please :)
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